Describing Me... Uh... OK?

One wonders how to properly describe themselves... This process is a lot harder than I originally anticipated. I wanted to be honest about all of the bullshit I deal with, but dole out as well. I thought that I would call a couple of friends and ask them who I though, but didn't feel like I could take the true criticism. I thought about doing a Pro/Con list, but about 3 cons in I got pissed and I deleted it all and started over. I could always ask my girlfriend what she thought about me but two things held me back. 1) The fact that she is kind of biased because she is in love with this amazing, masculine, caring, lovable man. 2) We just got into a fight about how irritating I can be with the fact that I am not affectionate or loving enough... Fucking double edged sword!!!

So I decided that it was time for me to get it out in the open and be real with myself. The following took me over two hours to compile this list.

For all intensive purposes, I'm a 34 year old college student with the same issues as my younger counterparts... Money, work, school, women, school, money, work... It's just a vicious cycle of repetitive stupidity.

What I know about myself. I've been at the same job since July 16th, 1997. Just a little over a month after I graduated high school. Now this really wasn't my decision as it was so much of my mothers. It's not like I was a bad student, I ended up finishing school in the middle of my class. I just couldn't entertain the thought of continuing on with my education because I felt so burnt out. I probably would have been a statistic in drinking my way out of college in either my first or second semester.

I'm about 93 credits into my major, but I'm not really sure what my major really is!? I love attending class, mainly because it gets me off the couch on my days off and I'm way to in debt to stop without a degree now! I just know that my job is a really good one with great benefits and hours, but I know that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. I gotta get out, and it's gotta be soon! I love it just enough to keep me paying the bills, but hate it enough to want to get the hell out of there!

I used to think of myself as a commitment phoebe, but soon realized that was a lie. I have been in 4 serious relationships. One for 5 years, one for 4, one for 8 and my most recent one of just over a year. I don't think that I really ever knew how to date. Don't get me wrong, I did alright with the ladies, but I have always felt that there was something missing with the relationships that I have been in, but just to dumb to get out of them.

I can be a complete asshole in relationships and don't really know why? I, like most guys, am a caring,
loving, attentive boyfriend in the beginning. But there is something always missing. Deep down in my heart I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't mind sitting through "chick flicks" because I'm a movie buff in general, but because it never hurts to learn some new way to love your women. I want the kind of love that Nicholas Sparks writes about. I want to experience "love at first site" and all the benefits that go with it. I want to know, deep down in my heart, that this is the lady that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have babies, or at least enjoy trying to have babies.

So in short: I'm an aging, educating, crabby, funny, irritating, loving asshole with excuses to get through relationships and work, but secretly hate myself for not being ballsy enough to cut and run when warranted. I love movies, music, learning, being a homeowner, women, my friends, family and my dog, but hate being a grown up, paying bills, working, grades, drama, heartbreak, repairing the plumbing in the foundation of my home, cleaning, dishes, broken car's, and lack of sleep due to homework. I want more out of life, love, education, work, but am occasionally to lazy to do anything about it. I need to sack up more in my relationships and life in general, just to be a better man to anyone/everyone I come into contact with. I want a job that doesn't feel like a job, but a place that pays me well to do something fun and interesting. I need a love that feels natural and reciprocated, but is willing to put up with me and call me on my shit!